Some Questions for Stephanie

Hey readers. I'm sorry it's been a while since our last post, but rest assured that we have not been sitting idle. I recently finished the Twilight saga, and it's left me with a few questions. Unfortunately I could not find a way to contact Stephanie Meyer to bring her these questions directly. But, since I assume she is among our readership, I figured this post was the next best thing. So Stephanie, this is for you.

I have a lot of questions about the rules which govern the world of twilight, so buckle up.

1. How does a vampire die?
   
   
   I know they need to be torn apart and burned, but what part of that process actually kills them? Based on my field research, I've heard that the burning is necessary because without it, a vampire would heal from being torn to shreds. I can accept this - it's clearly a call back to the classic tale of Heracles and the Hydra of Lerna, wherein he had to burn the stumps to prevent two heads from growing back. However, it is unclear how a vampire heals if not burned. Different reports have described different methods. Some say that the pieces maintain some level of pseudo-sentience and are able to come back together, at which point the rejoin and the vampire becomes whole again. Others have dismissed this theory as hogwash, saying that the vampires simply have an extreme healing factor- if you cut off their arms, they will grow new ones. While this theory seems more plausible at first glance, it is still not a full answer. With such an extreme healing ability, more details are needed. For example, if a vampires head is ripped off, does the body grow a new head or does the head grow a new body? It seems intuitive that the head, as the seat of the brain and the vampire's core being, would be the source of any regrowth. But what if the head itself is cut in half? Say a vampire is lasered exactly in half, a la James Bond's near fate in Goldfinger? Which half is discarded and which is the source of regrowth? Or, do both halves regrow, resulting in two clones of the original vampire? Could someone theoretically build a clone army of vampires by continually cutting themselves in half? I need to know.


2. Can a vampire feed on another vampire that has just fed?
   
   
   Once a vampire consumes blood, where does the blood go? Vampires theoretically have no heartbeat, so it seems unlikely that the blood flows into their veins. Where does the blood go? Is it digested in the stomach and digestive tract in the same way humans digest their own food? Or is the blood just magically broken down and absorbed into the vampire's being? Whatever the absorption process, how quickly does it happen? Could another vampire theoretically open up the first vampire and suck the blood out? Or does the blood have to be fresh from a body? The films depict vampires feeding from blood bags, which suggests that freshness is not an issue. Please respond Stephanie.


3. Can a vampire starve to death?
   
   
   On the topic of vampire feeding, can a vampire starve to death? They are shown to grow progressively weaker the longer they go without feeding, but could they ever actually die from lack of blood? In that same 'vein', as it were, what do vampires need blood for? What exactly is it doing for them? We have determined that the blood doesn't flow through their veins, so it isn't delivering oxygen to their organs, meaning the red blood cells are pointless. They also don't bleed, so it's not serving any healing purposes, meaning platelets are equally ineffectual. It seems as though vampires never get sick, so white blood cells wouldn't appear to be of any use either. So what part of the blood is actually doing any good for vampires? What do they get from the blood, and what does it do for them? Stephanie I'm begging you.


4. Can vampires feed on non-mammalian blood?
   
   
   To wrap up this little series of feeding related questions, what kinds of blood are sufficient for a vampiric meal? What would happen to vampires if humans were wiped out, by war or plague or any other force of extinction. We have seen that vampires can live on other mammals, namely deer. It seems logical enough that they could subsist just as well on other large mammals, such as horses, cows, llamas, and the like. But could they live on avian blood? If the red blood cells are part of what provides vampires with their needed nutrition, then avian erythrocytes are different, being true eukaryotic, nucleus containing cells. And what about reptile blood? Their RBC's are also true nucleal cells, and are even larger and flatter than their avian counterparts. And what of insects? Amphibians? The point is, all types of animals have different types of blood, and I need to know which ones are sufficient for a vampire's dinner. I just want answers.


5. What do werewolves do when the person they imprint on dies?
   
   
   Switching gears for a moment, let's talk about wolves and imprinting. First off, when a werewolf imprints, is there any sort of guarantee that their love will be returned? If it's not, do they just have to be miserable for the rest of their life? Similarly, if they imprint on someone and live happily together, only to have the love of their life killed at an early age, can they ever imprint on someone new? Also, can werewolves imprint on other werewolves? It was suggested by one source during my research that they only imprint on humans. Is this true? Steph, you gotta give me something here.


6. Can vampires do superhero landings?
   
   
   Ok back to vampires. In Breaking Dawn part 2, we see Bella nearly cronch down on a helpless mountain climber. Edward talks her off the ledge, as it were, and she leaps off the cliff face to remove herself from the situation. Eddie doesn't so much as flinch, indicating that it is perfectly normal for vampires to fall from a great height with no repercussions. Sure enough, she walks it off as if nothing had happened. So do vampires not take fall damage? And if that's the case, what the fuck? We have seen that vampires can be hurt by blunt force trauma, such as when they are struck in combat by other vampires. So how is a vampire being punched in the face any different than a vampire falling? Assuming Bella weighs about 60kg, and was roughly 50m up the cliff, that means she reached the ground traveling just over 31 m/s. That means that if the soil condenses about 4 centimeters on impact, she hits the ground with a force of 735000 newtons. A human punch has an upper limit of 50000 newtons, after which their bones will break. Even accounting for vampire super strength, it seems as though hitting the ground would impart a much greater force of impact on a body than a vampire punch, or at least it would be of similar magnitude. So what gives? How can a vampire be hurt by getting punched but not by falling? Stephanie please.


7. How do vampires get hard?
   
   
   Ok, time to take off the training wheels and ask the real questions. How do vampires procreate? There seem to be quite a few barriers to this being able to happen. First off, how does a vampire get an erection in the first place? As we have discussed at length, blood doesn't flow through vampire veins, so how could blood flow into a male vampire's phallus to fill his corpora cavernosa, thereby giving the penis enough structural integrity to be used in coitus? Does he just have to mash it in awkwardly like a limp garden hose? The aftermath of Bedward's honeymoon would suggest otherwise. Additionally, even if sexual congress is achieved, then how is semen provided to achieve fertilization? Sperm cells are produced in seminiferous tubules, and are living cells. The idea of vampires being a dead body would seem to contradict the possibility of performing spermatogenesis. Even if vampires are capable of producing semen, how do they get the 'ingredients' (water, proteins, fructose, etc) to the testicles if they have no bloodflow? Stephanie, help me.


8. What human weapons can kill vampires?
   
   
   In Breaking Dawn part 2, Aro states that humans are becoming a real threat to vampires, that modern technology has created weapons capable of killing vampires. What is this line referencing? Nuclear bombs would be the obvious answer - it would simultaneously shred them and burn them, meeting the prerequisites for vampire murder. But Aro seemed far too concerned for nukes to be the only threat. After all, the threat of nukes has been declining significantly over time, now that mutually assured destruction is all but guaranteed should anyone choose to use one, resulting in human extinction. So what other weapons can kill a vampire? Once again, this circles back to question number 1, about how exactly vampires die. Stephy, I will do anything for some answers. Anything.


9. What's up with the pedophilia?
   
   
   Seriously, what's up? First Ed, who's over 100 years old, falls in love with a 17 year old. Gross. But I guess an argument could be made that he is magically suspended in a state of being 17, so I can allow it to slide. But I don't like it. On that note, why the hell are the Cullens still going to high school? They aren't learning anything new. Why don't they just hang out at home all the time, away from potential temptation? It just doesn't make sense. It's not like they're socializing; there's a whole big deal made about how weird the Cullens are, and how they always keep to themselves. Then we get to Jacob. Why the hell does he imprint on a baby? I know this one has been discussed, but I feel like it's never really been answered in any meaningful way. Do werewolves often imprint on babies? It's just messed up is all I'm saying. Figure it out, Stephanie.


10. How old is the oldest vampire?
    
    
    Since vampires theoretically have no age limit (once again, see Q1 about vampire death), how old is the oldest one? And also how was the very first vampire turned into a vampire? What caused the change, since vampire venom couldn't have existed yet? And whatever that process looked like, is it possible for someone in the modern day to be changed in a similar fashion? Stephanie, my mind will not rest easy until these questions are answered.

So, these are our questions to you, Stephanie Meyer. I'm sure this list is far from exhaustive, so if any of our other valued readers have questions, please leave them in the comments below. And as always, stay birdy people.